Just when you think, everything is ok with me.. Unfortunately, you're wrong...
Just to share something about my background.. Yes, I'm a Christ follower, I serve God, I have convictions, I believe in "Waiting for the right time...", that God will really give you the perfect partner, at the right time, as long as you wait on Him and focus on your priorities and trusting Him that it will really come someday... But that doesn't mean... I won't be getting hurt... As a teenager, you never fail to open your heart for emotions, though people tell you to wait, or even on the book of Solomon: "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." But as I said, as a teen, you never fail to...
Just a flashback, October 22, 2007, for the first time, my heart beat in a different way, though I had many crushes, but for the first time, my heart beat. I met her. (I won't be putting her name, it's up for you to find out.) I won't be putting a long story...
It started as a crush, many people noticed it, as I was getting close to her, many people were already teasing me, though I didn't mind... Until such time that both of us were to close to one another, to the point of having mutual understandings. To the point that I really fell in love with her... Though dreams are present, emotions are present, thoughts are present, deep inside of my heart and my mind, it always tells me to hold back, and never go beyond the limits. My mind was already set, not to go beyond it, but even though, the emotions are present. And for the first time, I gave a gift to a girl, with my own allowance (though Christmas Party's in schools involve gift-giving to your classmates, my mom was the one who provided for the money to buy the gifts.) and my own savings. I invested, emotions, money (cause we all know, when in love, we tend to become impulsive, we become selfless).
Until such time, this just happened lately. It was a Friday, I was playing the keyboards for our youth service. As I was playing, I was looking at the crowd, the projector was in-front of us, so it's hard to see the people, but after a while, the lights faded, and I saw her there (first) in the seats, as the lights went on, I saw a guy, beside her. I kinda got distracted while playing, so I lowered the volume of the keyboards, afraid of losing tone, and even losing concentration. After playing, I told the team, that I was kinda not feeling well, I was kinda nervous and I couldn't memorize the chords(TRUE!). I went out of the sanctuary, trying to fight my thoughts, and when I came back to the sanctuary, people are now asking me: "Who's that guy with her?". With nothing to answer, I just nodded my head. After a while, somebody came to me and said: "Vahn, both of them are so sweet with one another." hearing those things, made my mind more troubled, and my heart beat so fast. I had thoughts before, that she would have 'a somebody' but I kept on rejecting those thoughts. But slowly, the thoughts that I would were being slowly revealed. I thought to myself: "Ah, it's ok that she'll have 'a somebody'." But being right there, you see them with both of your eyes. Just doing all that "smoochy-stuff". My heart was just being pierced, and because of the pain, I couldn't help but let a tear roll down my face. After the service, I ran to one of my 'kuyas' in the church, who had experience on such things, and talked to him about what happened. He helped me in it, and after a while, I ran next to my "Best Friend" and told him what happened, and he also helped me in it. I told them, that I'd better release this later when I get home. But they told me: "Is she worth it?".
Me and my best friend went home late, cause I really needed someone to talk to. But as I went home, my mom noticed my status, I told her what happened, then I went to my room. Because of the pain stored in my heart, I couldn't help but cry myself to sleep. The next morning, I woke up at around six, thinking everything would be ok, I texted her a "Good Morning". But after a while what she replied was: "Vahn, can you buy load for my cellphone please?". Though before, to tell you honestly, I always buy load for her, whenever she asks, but from that day on, I was in the middle of decision making. Immediately, I replied to her: "I'm sorry, I can't, I still don't have my allowance yet, and the load I have now, was given to me by another person." but on the back of my mind, because of being "bad-trip" and all, I could have texted her: "Why don't you go ask your boyfriend?!", but thank God for He was always there, during those times, thank God for self-control. I got up my bed, praying and thinking: "What now?" cause I believe this is another lesson for me to learn, and a lesson to share for people that are experiencing the same problems someday. As days passed, I avoided all the things that reminded me of her, just to ease the pain.
But a day came, when I saw her during an afternoon service, she was there alone. I was kinda happy and kinda hurt, when I saw her there, I was doing the powerpoint for the songs at that time, after the praise and worship, I told my 'Techie buddy' to swap positions with me for a while. As I went out of the sanctuary, a guy was walking up the stairs, I looked at him at a distance, and saw the guy, the guy that she was with, or should I say his boyfriend (Though I don't have proof or anything, that I can say that he is her boyfriend, it's all obvious, it's all visible, in their actions, in their Friendster.). As I saw him their, immediately I turned left, going to the KIDS Church cause some of the my friends were there (Those friends know my status). They asked me: "What's wrong with you?", I told them: "The guy's there", immediately, they stood up their chairs, and checked the guy silently, and after that, they kept on asking me: "That was the guy?!", they had so many comments about the guy, I can hardly remember what they said.
After the service, I talked to my "Trusted sister" in church, cause she also had experiences with those kind of stuff, and she helped me. To remove the thoughts and everything else, I went with the V-group in the 6th monthsary, to have fun. Just when you think it'll be ok, it came to point that I also was in the hot-seat. But only for a while. And as the days passed, I removed everything that would remind me of her, or even make me think of her, the ironic thing is, the more I try to remove the things, the more they came back, at that time, I really wanted to spend the most of my time with God, cause nobody else can help me in those situations.
But through all the things that happened, it's all been said and done. Though pain is still present, and to tell you the truth, the feelings are still there. People tell me to let go, but it's easier to be said than to be done. But I trust that God, in everything that I am going through, whatever happened was redeemed, and I learned in what I've been through, and someday, I'll be meeting people with same situations, and hopefully, I would be able to share my experience with them and help them. Our paths may cross someday, I don't even know if she may be the one, but my focus is not there, but in my priorities. My studies, my family, my ministry and especially, me. People say, there are many more girls/women that can be found out there. True, but all I can say is, it's a first for me...
"Never look or stay on the past. Look forward and move forward, cause beyond are more greater things to be found..."
Now this is another first for me... Amongst the Video Team in the church, I was assigned or should I say volunteered to be an editor for the team, since my expertise is more on the computers and stuff...
Just last Thursday, kuya Tom told me, that I meet with ate Xai, our scriptwriter, cause kuya Tom wanted to upload a video from ate Xai, so that kuya Tom will be able to edit it for Sunday... After a while, me and ate Xai met and I helped her in uploading the video, but unfortunately, the video couldn't be uploaded because the file size of the video is so large, and it was in DVD format... So ate Xai and I decided to convert it so that it could be sent...
After a couple of textings and plannings, kuya Tom told me that, why don't I edit the video, since I already knew that much (I learned most of it from him, he told me I'm good at it, but I learned from him). At first, I was hesitant, but due to fear of saying: I can't, I said "yes".
After converting the video, we rechecked it, and it went great. So ate Xai and I planned everything, the order, the point and everything else the flow of the video. At first, everything went so great, and I was so excited that I was able to create the ending on that night.
On the next day, I was supposed to start the editing of the video, unfortunately, I couldn't cause I kinda got busy and I had to play the keyboards for the youth service. And it was the beginning of heavy thing for me. It was then that the leaders of the church are now asking me, about the video, if it was already done, and it should come out excellently, so from then on, pressures and tensions were on me. The sad thing is, I don't know how to handle pressures and tensions in the right way, instead of building me up, it slowly brought me down. I had to text ate Xai and kuya Tom about my situation, they both said that it's what makes you go on. Well, yes it does, but I don't know how to handle them. Ate Xai told me that, you're feeling that kind of feeling cause the enemy wouldn't let you finish the video, cause once the video is finished, it's gonna touch the hearts of so much people, and it's gonna show the greatness of our God, that even on normal people, he does the most amazing things. Though I was "slightly" encouraged, part of me wanted to give up, part of me wanted to go on.
But even though, I wasn't alone in this. People already noticed that I was down and out, I was not myself, I told them my situation, and after listening, they immediately offered their support, whether be morale or supporting me in making the video itself. It was on that point that I wanted to cry and burst out everything, as a first timer, I really couldn't handle the pressures. But even though, it was His grace that made me move on, I could have given up, I could have just walked out, but His grace and His love for the people made me go on and finish the video. And at around 11:30pm, Saturday. I was able to finish the video, not alone, but with the help of many people, and not just ordinary people, I call them: My Family. "Ohana" no one, and I mean no one, gets left behind.
It was from this experience, that I was molded violently inside... Cause someday I'll be experiencing more than this, and soon... A greater responsibility will be handed over, but on that day, I believe I'll be ready for it... Cause I know my God will never fail me. Jesus is my source of strength. And the Holy Spirit is my guide in everything I do.
I want to say thanks to: Kuya Tom, Ate Xai, Sean, Kuya Peds, Ate Julie, Ate Recs, Ptr. Alvin, Ate Ej and the rest of the family... God bless you guys so much...
-Vahn (Bl0gg3r)
-vahnragna@yahoo.com (YM)
-redeemed.vahn@yahoo.com (Email)
-iamaserious@blogger.com (FS)
Last Sunday's preaching was taken from Mark 2:1-12
It was really encouraging, in how God healed the paralyzed man.. and we know the story behind it...
But what really encouraged me in this chapter of Mark is, the faithfulness of the friends of the paralyzed man... These friends of his really did everything just to get near Jesus, and have their friend healed...
Are you're friends like this? Are they really that dedicated and loyal, that they would really do EVERYTHING just to help you? That they would make a hole in the roof just to get you to Jesus?
Not just your friends.. But are you this kind of friend? Honestly, I can say, I'm not 100% like this.. When our friends are in need, are we willing to leave everything behind, just to help our friends? The friends mentioned above did...
Let's be a friend to those in need.. No matter the circumstance... Let's be ready to lend a hand, and lead them back not just to us, but lead them to Jesus...
-Vahn (Bl0gg3r)
-vahnragna@yahoo.com (YM)
-redeemed.vahn@yahoo.com (Email)
-iamaserious@blogger.com (FS)
Last Friday... 04/11/08
It was my debut in playing the keyboards for the Friday Youth Service... But really at first, you would really feel the tension going, especially a beginner like me.. It's like, fear was shadowing every move I do, I feared that maybe I won't go along with the team, maybe I'll press the wrong key... But amongst everything, one voice just kept on speaking, as I was playing...
That voice kept reminding me, that I'm not performing, I'm playing for God... Everyone in front of me, I couldn't see that much anymore, but what I saw was.. I was in front of the cross.. Just playing to God alone.. After the praise and worship, I was also assigned for the transition.. As I exhorted, though it took a while... I could really feel God just moving, as He was using me to really spread His Word... That we believe that heroes exist, and some of it are even fictional heroes, which are the ones we saw in T.V. like Superman, Batman and etc.. But 2000 years ago.. A hero emerged... And we all know, heroes don't come to be served, but they serve the people, no matter how strong or how powerful there enemy is, they would fight the battle to save the people... And this hero I'm talking about, did the same things... He came not to be served, but to serve, He was fighting a battle, and that battle was "our" battle, He fought a battle for us to be saved... And guess what? He even fought death himself... He even died just to save us... Now that's what I call a hero image... But the hero didn't end there.. 3 days after His death, He even rose again... And up to now, 2000 years later... His legacy.. The things He died and shown.. Still cannot be forgotten..
We know so many heroes, it may be from our nation, or just around us... These heroes saved our nation, some heroes saved people... But this hero I'm talking about saved, not just a village, not just a city, not just a country, not just a continent... But He saved the whole world... And this hero is real... He may not be with us but: "Blessed are those who believe yet they do not see..."
After all the series of events, the criticisms after the service... It molded me from the inside, and out... It transformed me... For honestly, the Word just wasn't for the people, but also for me... I also need God to rescue me from illnesses... From emotional depressions... From debt... Cause we know... God will always save the day... It's not luck that we receive something out-of-the-blue... It's God, showing us His Love day by day...
-Vahn (Bl0gg3r)
-vahnragna@yahoo.com (YM)
-redeemed.vahn@yahoo.com (Email)
-iamaserious@blogger.com (FS)
For the info of everyone.. I am truly not a talkative type, for those who know me may laugh about this or won't believe it, but honestly, I am not the talkative type... When you ask me to start a conversation, topic or question, I easily run dry.. Ask me to joke, then I can't really get one... I may be humorous sometimes, to the point of being corny.. But that's me..
But when it comes to the serious stuff.. I really, really talk a lot.. But when there's no conversation to start or nothing to talk about... I talk to myself, or keep things in my mind...
But when it comes to God... I talk... a lot!
But for people? I don't know what to say...
Just the other day I was practicing with my keyboard in the house... And I studied about the chord family.. I tried playing the Family of C.. and just by flowing through.. I was already playing for around 30 minutes, just releasing all my feelings as I play.. Tears rolled and some other things..
Just playing a single family chord, made me flow to my inmost feelings.. It's like God was also speaking.. So I prayed to God and said: "Lord, these hands will play for you.." And there I committed that I will take my practices more seriously from there on... And honestly.. even listening to piano pieces make me move.. And ever since I was young.. I really loved the piano and I always will...
This is an illustration of how lust looks like and what it does:
According to tradition, this is how an Eskimo hunter kills a wolf.
First, the Eskimo coats his knife blade with animal blood and allows it to freeze. He then adds layer after layer of blood until the blade is completely concealed by the frozen blood.
Next, the hunter fixes his knife in the ground with the blade up. When a wolf follows his sensitive nose to the source of the scent and discovers the bait, he licks it, tasting the fresh frozen blood. He begins to lick faster, more and more vigorously, lapping the blade until the keen edge is bare. Feverishly now, harder and harder, the wolf licks the blade in the cold Arctic night. His craving for blood becomes so great that the wolf does not notice the razor-sharp sting of the naked blood on his own tongue. Nor does he recognize the instant when his insatiable thirst is being satisfied by his own warm blood. His carnivorous appetite continues to crave more until in the morning light, the wolf is found dead on the snow!
………Many young people begin using drugs, drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, and engaging in pre marital sex for the same reason that the wolf begin licking the knife blade. It seems safe and delicious at first, but it doesn’t satisfy. More and more is desired, leading to a crisis--- or death. Don’t be fooled by the temptations of sin. Like the wolf, we can get away with it for a while. Eventually, however, its true character is revealed. Sin leads to death and destruction- “For the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23) ------ (Youth talks by Wayne Rice)
This is the story I shared to our small group last Jan.23. As we start the year, I really want to talk about what God has to say about purity and holiness. I read this book “ Every Woman’s Battle” by Shannon Ethridge and Stephen Arterburn, and decided to use this as a material together with the Bible in our discussion about emotional and sexual integrity.
A lot of women today find themselves emotionally broken, lost, with low self esteem, and in a never ending cycle of finding and losing relationships because of emotional and sexual compromise. They fall into wrong relationships and pre-mature relationships, engaging in pre marital sex and extra marital affairs because they didn’t guard their hearts and emotions. To live a life of emotional and sexual integrity, our spiritual, emotional, mental and physical should be balanced. If one of these are neglected or abused, the result is sexual compromise and emotional brokenness.
Here’s a list of points we talked about:
1. Men and women are different. Unlike men, women’s battle with sexual integrity begins with her heart and thoughts, while men’s battle begins with what he takes in through his eyes, guarding his eyes to maintain sexual integrity. Therefore, women must closely guard their hearts and minds as well as their bodies if they want to experience God’s plan for sexual and emotional fulfillment.
2. God has a plan for our sexual and emotional fulfillment. In Romans 12:1,2 “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.
God’s will is definitely good, pleasing and perfect. (I’m a witness to that.. and I know until now, God is dealing some things in my life) The only reason most people don’t experience this perfect will, is because they choose their ways than God’s ways. We have to align ourselves in God’s providential will and moral will in order for us to be in the right position to receive God’s perfect will in our lives.
We have to renew our minds and see God and ourselves in the right perspective.
In Colossians 1:16b “ All things were created by him and for him”. That means God created us for him. Knowing that truth, we can only be truly satisfied by having a personal relationship with God. (And that is through accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior--Acknowledging that we sinned and that his death on the cross saved us from sin and it's power; Acknowledging that from now on, his will be done as Lord of your life  )
3. Not even a hint. Ephesians 5:3-4 “ But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.
You may think that the phrase “not even a hint” is impossible to reach, but with God, all things are possible. God in his infinite wisdom knows that if we let an itsy bitsy impure thought stay in our heads, this will grow and will not be satisfied.. and at the end, it will give birth to sin. One way to be free from lust is if we kill it --- starve it to death. If you feed those little monsters.. it’ll become so huge and it will make you it’s slave. There’s also a spirit behind this, but if we ask for forgiveness, turn to God, renounce this lust, we can cast it out in Jesus name. ☺
4. Virginity is not the measure of purity. You can be a virgin yet be impure.. and not be a virgin, but be pure (thanks to God’s amazing grace that purifies us when we confess our sins and turn to him). God sees the heart, and we can’t fool him. Purity goes through the physical. It includes our hearts, our thoughts, our words and conversation, our actions, and even the clothes we wear. God sees our motives.
5. God’s Promise. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 “ No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
That means, we can’t use the cliché phrase “ I’m only human”. If we accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, his spirit now lives in us, therefore we have the fruit of the spirit which includes self control. As human beings, we have minds to think and a free will to make a choice. It’s either we follow God’s ways or our ways.
6. Legalism vs. Love. Having a list of do’s and don’ts won’t go too far. This is because they are based on what is culturally and socially acceptable. The standard we need is something that can withstand time, and culture--- and that is God’s truth.
In Matthew 22:37-40 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” All the law and the prophets hang on these 2 commandments.”
This means that, the law isn’t what’s important.. but LOVE is. If we love God, our neighbor, and ourselves (in that order) then we can live far above any rules. We should not focus on what is allowed but what is best for all involved.
1 Corinthians 10:23-24 “Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.”
(e.g. There’s no law against flattering clothes, but is our motive in wearing them to build others up or to build up our ego?, While it’s lawful for a married woman to flirt with a man, is it a loving thing to do?)
Conclusion: (I got this conclusion from the book)
“Sexual and emotional integrity means that her thoughts, words, emotions, and actions reflect an inner beauty and a sincere love for God, others and herself. This doesn’t mean she is never tempted to think, say, feel, or do something inappropriate, but that she tries diligently to resist these temptations and stands firm in her convictions. She doesn’t use men in an attempt to get her emotional cravings met or entertain sexual or romantic fantasies about men she is not married to.. She doesn’t dress to seek male attention, but she doesn’t limit herself to a wardrobe of ankle-length muumuus, either. She may dress fashionably and look sharp or may even appear sexy, but her motivation isn’t self-seeking or seductive. She presents herself as an attractive woman because she knows she represents God to others.” (Book: Every single woman’s battle by Shannon Ethridge)
This is a story of guy... He's 16 years old now, but what I'm gonna tell you, is the story of his childhood days...
When this guy was younger, everywhere he would go, he never feels appreciated. Every one would just tease him, every one would just make him cry, every one would just speak words of discouragement at him, people would just insult him, and they would never care... Even his own dad would make him cry and say all the negative things about him. The only sensible people around him was his mom and his older brother. All his life he was ashamed of what he looks like.
Until such time, his mom invited him to church, it was kinda weird at first, the kid was a little bit shy. There he never felt any insults, any teasings, nobody would speak discouragement at him, he was so welcome when got there, everyone would just welcome him for who he is.
Then his mom told him that he should go to the church for kids.. After that, as he entered the door there, everyone welcomed him, everyone would just introduce themselves to him.
Months have passed.. he now regularly attends church and has a lot of friends now, somebody came to him and said: Do you want to get to know Jesus better? Then the boy answered "Yes, I would like to." Though not everything was understood by the kid as he shared things about Jesus and God, the mand told the kid that he should not be ashamed of what he looks like, because God made him from His image and likeness, and that he was fearfully and wonderfully made by God. After the man shared those things , the kid was somewhat relieved, but everything didn't end there, the kid would still experience all kinds of insults, discouragements, provocations and teases at him..
Until one time, the kid was a bit older now, and is now a leader in the church..
He met with his "friends" that were speaking of things at him, and he shared to them about the Word and Jesus, all of them felt convicted. After the kid shared all those things, his "friends" said their apologies and sorries to him, and those "friends" became real friends, everything went upside-down for him, his friends would now speak blessing at him, and he would just be appreciated... And even sometime later, his dad started to change the way he would approach the kid...
But not until he was 16, that he appreciated what God did, the kid said to God: "Lord, thank you for making me into your image and likeness, You really took the time and effort for molding me like this, I have somehow learned to appreciate what you made.." And until then, that kid would never allow people to judge him for what he looks like, or even look down at him...
His favorite verse is in 1 Timothy 4:12 = Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
And guess who that person is...
Just wrote this earlier... I couldn't stop thinking about it for 2 days.. So I decided to write it..
It's my first ever..
Background: I wrote this, cause I really miss the Lord so much... How long has it been since I spent time with Him.. I can hardly remember...
I:
How long has it been?
Since we've last talked
Since we've last walked
Along that sidewalk
II:
When was the last time?
We ate together in one table
Then look at the evening stars together
I can hardly remember
Chorus 1:
I miss you like crazy
I miss you more than anything else
I miss you more than life
I miss you, I miss you so
I miss you so much
Bridge:
I miss your whispers
I miss the times at night that I would dream of you
And when I wake up in the morning I think of you
I miss the tender touch from your loving arms
Oh please come back... I miss you...
I love you...
Chorus 2:
I love you like crazy
I love you more than anything else
I love you more than life
I love you, I love you so
I love you so much
How long has it been... A month? or so... Since I've been confined in bed... Because of a certain sickness... Been absent at school for a month, because of this sickness... That is also the reason why I wasn't online for a month also... This sickness started an evening before the 2nd semester of school starts... I went home, feeling groggy and really not feeling well... My mom asked if was okay, I told her to check my temp, she said I was hot... So I decided to rest, and my mom decided not to let me go to school for a while... Just when things get worse... A week has passed and the sickness hasn't been gone yet... My mom decided that we should go to the doctor and have a checkup... So went and had one... As the doctor diagnosed me, the findings were "Fever and headache, and is confined in bed until better". As I saw it, I was surprised... "What is going on here... There is something wrong here..." I thought..."This has already become a pattern, it's happening all over again..." I thought when me and my mom were already heading home... The next day, it was Friday... I decided to go the center to talk to some leaders for help... My mom didn't want me to go, but I kinda got disobedient and went, I usually go there by riding a jeep or even walking, but I got there using the taxi... Groggy... I went to the center and attended the youth service, I saw kuya Tom as he was in the back listening, as I got near him, he immediately asked "How are you bro?".. Without hesitation I answered "I'm not feeling well...", even Duane immediately noticed that I was not feeling well... My face was even pale that time... After the service I talked with kuya Tom about it... He told me that it was a battle in the spiritual, not in the physical realms anymore, he told me to really renew my mind, instead of thinking about the sickness, he told me to focus on God's promises in my life... 4 weeks have passed, and everything kinda better... The only problem now is... school... As much as I want to go back to school... There was hesitation... There was a big wall of fear in front of me... "Maybe if I go to school, my teachers have already dropped me..." During these weeks I kept on praying... But because of fear, a small hint of doubt was already present... I doubted that will God really answer me? Or is God really listening at these times? I had to wrestle with my mind, to be in faith or doubt... It was Friday, so I attended the youth service again, still kinda not feeling well... after the service, kuya Tom invited people to watch the movie "Facing The Giants" so I said "Okay" since my house was nearby their house and I haven't watched the movie yet... After watching the movie... we shared a couple of insights then we all went home... Before sleeping, I asked God to really renew everything... I asked Him to renew every commitment I have with Him... It was Sunday(yesterday), my mom was really forcing me to go to school, but I kept telling her that she should be the one first to go there, cause maybe my excuses won't be convincing to my teachers... Just earlier... my mom went to school and talked to some of my teachers including my advisers... As she went home, she brought me news... "Ivan, your teachers are giving you a change to go back and catch up in your classes..." As she said those words, I couldn't even describe what I'm actually feeling at that time... My mom told me to get a haircut so I could enter the school. As I went upstairs, went in my room, grabbed a pillow and screamed my lungs out "Thank You Lord! You heard me and You answered me!" I was overjoyed, I danced all around the room, and even in the shower... I couldn't stop smiling, thanking, and even jumping around on what God did... The span of time you are involved in church doesn't determine your faith, even if your 20 years in church, doesn't mean God's gonna stop testing you... I'm already 4 years old in this church, but I really can't say that I'm mature and firm in my faith... And it was at these times, that I really had that diligence to study, to strive hard, and really set a goal... I said to myself "I can get to an honor class... but it has to start on my on discipline..." To be honest... the past years... I took for everything for granted, I relied on my own strength, "I can take these challenges... I can get through this" I said at those times... but honestly, life without God is nothing, without God, your I.Q. is useless, without God in everything you do, it's useless... Though people say I'm an intelligent person, without God, those words are just plain words... So in everything you do, let God have the glory... Put God in it... You won't be worrying of too much things, when you know He's there...
This blog is a connection from my blog: Christmas Eve.. A goodbye http://vahn91.multiply.com/journal/item/53/Christmas_Eve.._A_goodbye.. It's been a week since he went away... This past days I've really been distracted, out of focus... Everyone around me is happy now that he's gone now... But no... Me and my brother talked about it and he told me that even he is not okay in what's happening... But honestly, I really don't see him getting affected, he's a good hider of feelings, but that's different for me, cause of all the members of the family, I'm always the emotional one (maybe I got it from my mom)... But since he went away.. I really got affected, it's like my heart is being torn into two... Cause if you read my blog before about the emo stuff, where I hugged my dad... That hug made something, it made a bond between me and my dad, and I called it, a father's bond... Never have I felt this before, until the day I hugged him... When he left the house, it's like my heart was being pulled that my heart was really in pain that time... I really can't believe in these times, I kept saying: "I miss him..", "Why does he have to leave.." I never even dared to say those words all my life but now... But though he's gone... I'm believing God to change him and mold him... Cause no one else can change him but Him alone... Thank you Lord, for a person like my dad...
One of the biggest holidays we always wait for... Christmas... Supposedly, it was a happy day for everyone.. but turned out... 12/24/07 around 5pm: I was so excited for the Christmas Eve service that afternoon that me and my brother went there early to help in the setting up... Later, after the service.. after parting ways with people... me and my brother when to my grandmother's place to have Noche Buena... after eating me and my family (except my dad) went home.. As we went home, I've noticed that the door was left open.. seeing near the door were boxes.. As I checked it, my dad's stuff were there.. He was already packing the rest of his stuff.. at around 11pm, I was in front of the computer, playing.. My dad approached my and patted my head saying: "You take care of your brothers and sister ok?" I held back my tears that time, though my heart was pounding so fast.. After that he went away, he left the house.. He's gone.. but not totally.. he said he'll be visiting the house once in a while... Guess I'll be starting the year without him in the house...
Just having a new career lately... Maybe you've noticed that I haven't blogged lately.. Cause I really can't think of anything to blog... Sometimes I forget... But this time I finally decided to things... First, being a photographer... Kuya Tom let's me borrow his camera from time-to-time to take pictures of some events or some things... He taught be the basics of photography, 'til I finally got the hang of it... Second, as a writer... I've always been a writer... problem is, laziness... Sometimes I say: "*Sigh*, maybe I'll do something else.." But I finally pursued writing... and now, every event that happens in my life... I write it... Third, as a blogger... I've always loved blogging... ever since... But due to some reasons I couldn't post anything... It's always been a passion in me to blog... Combining all these three things really made a great chemistry... and now, I'm back to blogging, and it won't be positive anymore, including the rough things that I've been through, I'm going to include now... and the pics that I capture will also be used for blogging purposes... It's a new season for me...
 My first and last slit...
This happened last Tuesday, at our house... during a conversation with my dad and my family.. It's already dried up... Maybe to some people I kept saying that "I'm not the stereotype emo, but I'm just plain emo as in emotional..." and "I will never do the things that they will do, like slitting.. That would the most stupid thing I'll ever do..." Well things went out worse... I did the most stupid thing I'll ever do... My dad held a so-called meeting last Tuesday... saying things that he has to leave the house for some reasons between my mom and him... Cause my mom needed to have space for a while, because she was so stressed out because of the course that she is taking right now, which is nursing... So my dad was saying some things, when my heart couldn't help it anymore, I stood up, and finallly, after 16 years, I hugged my dad with all my heart, but... As I was hugging him, he kept on saying: "You get back on your seat..." I told him: "No, I will not.. I waited for this oppurtunity to do this" But he kept saying that I should go back to my seat. Forced, I went back on my seat, with tears rolling down like a faucet dripping... I took a towel and covered my left eye, just to hold most of it, but I couldn't... My dad was saying things about him leaving, but as he is saying those things, he's saying that the reason he leaves is because of my mom. He's telling my siblings that my mom is the reason that she must leave, now my siblings are thinking that my mom is the bad guy now... So my mom started to argue with him because of those things... As they kept on talking and talking... My heart slowly became heavier and heavier, 'til I lost my mind and I don't know what to do anymore, I shouted then I ran upstairs... Because of too much pain in my heart, I wasn't really conscious on what I was doing, I picked up a pair of scissors and started slitting my right hand... After that I ran into my room, slammed the door.. and cowered in a corner and cried... I started talking to God with all those tears falling, and my heart pounding: "Why are these things happening?" and other stuff... After a while, my mom went up and comforted me... after a while I regained my consciousness... I started to talk to my mom about this wisdom God gave... Cause for a young age, I really thank God for this wisdom He gave, he makes me understand people that are way, way older than me... Though people treat me like a kid sometimes, but I am still a minor... Then I started to quote a verse, I think it was from Ecclesiastes, about having too much wisdom and knowledge... Cause my dad was saying that we couldn't understand the things that they are going through, but I understood everything... and after a while my mom saw my scratches, she started asking: "What happened? Did you got hit by something?" "No..." I told her.. "I slit my hand." and after a while she started laughing cause I told her before that I will never slit... She said: "I thought that would be the most stupid thing you'll ever do..." Too late, I already did it... Unconsciously.. But even if you say that you're not the stereotype emo, well for my point of view... Even as you dwell in the thing that they do, slowly the spirit of it slowly manifests... That's why after that I really swore to myself... That I will never be emo again... It sucks... But sadly now, my dad is not in the house anymore... And I'm starting to miss him... Just some added thought... Nursing students proved it true... That you won't feel pain when you slit because of too much depression in your heart... All I can say is... Enough is enough...
Last Sunday, Ptr Russel (mentor of Dustin) preached during the Sunday Service and he preached about "How to bring dead dreams back" and he quoted the verse 2 Kings 4:8-37..
After he preached, he called for an altar call... He was asking: "If you want God to bring those dead brings back, then come in front.." Many went up in front, including me... I asked God to really revive that dream I had for my dad, that he really would accept Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior...
But even though the dream went back as asked... I didn't realize that there was another dream that was revived as well... My dream for online ministry...
The dream was about having a site(group) here in Multiply, specifically Victory Youth Davao, and in that site, testimonies are being posted, and through those testimonies.. people are gonna be encouraged and people are really gonna say that I wanna accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior... people would really look up to these people and seeing their testimonies, and their lives are changed through those testimonies...
And this is not just an ordinary dream, cause I really have the heart to do these things, and I consider it as a burden for myself, cause I really wanna glorify God through these giftings that He gave me, especially in online ministry and in my writing...
I really believe that God has so much things in store for me... And I'm really getting excited for it...
Jeremiah 29:11 = "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future..."
Wow... 16 years... Another stage in my life... No longer a "kid" but another step closer on being an adult.. now as a teenager... New explorations, new discoveries... More challenges!
This day has been a really great day for me, for this was the day the God has brought me to this world, and I will forever lift up His name for this day... I'm may not put everything I experienced this day, but I just want to say thank you to everyone that have played a big role in my life...
At first I really want to thank God, for being so patient up to now, and for his grace that I still am in one piece, still walking, still breathing... And really thank Him for His great call that He has for my life, and I really thank Him, for lifting my burdens up, and always say: "Come on! You can do it! You can still run the race!" Cause it's not about finishing first, but it's about making it to the finish line...
Thanks to my family... for always been there, always been patient in the discipline, and thank you for the molding process and always been there to support me and really encourage me to strive and and study... though I may be annoying or should I say irritating in some times... You never gave up on me...
Thanks to my friends and spiritual family... for always been the ones, to really share your advice and impartations, in order for me to be molded into the person God wants me to be, and always been there, to encourage me in times of failing, in times of discouragement... Thank you...
SPECIAL THANKS:
Thank you Duane: For being there as somebody I could be accountable of, you've always been there stick with me whenever I need help in my personal walk... You're the person that sticked with me more than a brother... For I can really call you my friend... Thank you bro...
Thank you Kuya Tom: For being the father-figure in my life, whenever I had problems involving my life, you were always there with your open arms to hug me, and encourage me... Thank you for mentoring me... Thank for everything... Thank you big dad!
Thank you Kuya Mikko: My brother in blood, thank for you helping me also in the molding process, it may be sad for you to leave me alone here in Davao, but I learned how to be a "kuya" and really helped me understand the responsibility, thank you for the "kulitan" times, though you may be far from the family, you'll always be my "Oni-chan"!
Thank you Kuya Mars: For being my very first mentor, I really thank you for introducing Jesus Christ in my life, even though that was way, way back, you will always have a part in my life, thank you for the discipline in some areas, especially in the admin ministry.
Thank you Kuya Ty: Even though you may not be there to celebrate my birthday, nor even greet me during that day, thank you for the training and molding process in becoming a "gentleman". Thank you kuya Ty for the "kulitan" times also.
Thank you Ptr Alvin and Tita Vicky: Thank you so much for being a mother-figure and a father-figure, thank you so much also for helping in the molding process...
Thank you Sean and Melanie: Naruto-kun and Sakura-chan, thank you so much for the friendship that we had together in the ministry, thank you for sharing your time and thanks for the friendship.
Thank you kuya Dan: For helping me celebrate my birthday, even though everything was just chocolate, but it's not about the material things, as long as the presence of the people are there. Thank you also for being a father-figure.
Thank you Ptr Mel: Though you aren't here also to celebrate it, you've got a big part of my life also, thank you for the impartations and also for being a father-figure.
Thank you kuya Peds: For your servant's heart, thank you for helping me in tiresome times, thank you also for helping in the small groups of DCNHS.
-Maybe your name is not posted here. It's because there are just too many people that I should thank for, I didn't put these names because of favoritism or what, it's just some of the people that I am able to put, and maybe I'll thank some of you people personally... Thank you so much for being part of my life, you're names are forever carved in my mind, heart and soul... I love you guys...
Obedience to God's commands comes from your heart, when you begin struggling to obey God, that is a clear indication that your heart has shifted away from Him.. Some claim: 'I Love God, but I'm having difficulty obeying Him in certain areas of my life..' That is a spiritual impossibility.. If I were to ask you: 'Do you love God?', you might easily respond: 'Yes!' However, if I were to ask you: 'Are you obeying God?' Would you answer yes as quickly? Yet I would be asking you the same question.. Genuine love for God leads to wholehearted obedience.. Obedience without love is legalism.. Obedience for owns sake can be nothing more than perfectionism, which leads to pride.. Many conscientious Christians seek to cultivate discipline in there lives to be more obedient to Christ.. As helpful as spiritual disciplines can be, they never can replace your love for God.. Love is the discipline.. God looks beyond your godly habits, beyond your moral lifestyle and beyond your church involvement and focuses His penetrating gaze upon your heart...
As you allow God to direct your life, those around you will see true wisdom, wisdom not of the world but of God, others will be confused about what to do in our complicated world, but God will safely to the correct choices for you... Your family will be blessed because you make wise decisions.. Your friends will have a wise counselor to come to for help.. Your obedient life will demonstrate the wisdom of allowing the Holy Spirit to be our Guide..
This is an absolutely incredible interview with Rick Warren, author of "Purpose Driven Life" His wife now has cancer, and he now has "wealth" from the book sales. In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said: "People ask me, "What is the purpose of life?" And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven
One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body--but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal.
God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort
God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.
And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems. If
you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, "which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off
yourself and onto God and others.
We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.
You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.
It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.
Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.
Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.
Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.
We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?
When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list.
He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, Not human doings.
Happy moments, PRAISE GOD. Difficult moments, SEEK GOD. Quiet moments,
WORSHIP GOD. Painful moments, TRUST GOD. Every moment, THANK GOD. "
A friend sent it to me, I shared it with you, now pick friends that you want to bless.
Been silent lately for some reason... No blogs lately... Just found something fun to do lately...
I've been reading the book of 1Samuel, 2Samuel and Psalms lately... I kinda found a hobby that I really want to do... Instead of writing journals, diaries or whatsoever, I decided to write "Modern Psalms", I wanted to write what I feel to God, instead of writing "Dear Diary" or "Entry no. 1"... I just thought that it'd be fun... Cause I just love writing... especially creative writing... I'll be posting some soon...
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